“Bring The Pain (but be gentle…)!”

I am not what you would call “physically fit.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not fat either, I’m just sort of-ordinary. I was never an athlete in school.

While other kids were trying out for the basketball team, I was practicing my Star Wars trivia. Never quite motivated enough to sculpt myself into a Greek god, I had resigned myself to my fate-then I saw him.

His name was Tony Horton, and his muscles barely fit into the TV screen. Tony was the spokesperson for a new extreme workout program known as P90X, and his infomercial reeled me in like a hungry fish.

I placed my order and waited. The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into a month, and still no P90X. This was problematic since I had completely let myself go in anticipation. Tell a man he only has a week left to gorge on fast food before training begins, and you will likely see the inner animal take over!

When the program finally arrived, everything was in place to begin. I had the weights, the protein powder, and...

Fly Attack

I was sitting on my couch reading when something floated past my head. It was a tiny little fruit fly. Had it been a spider or a roach, I may have taken immediate actions, but a harmless little fruit fly? I decided to let him be. Big mistake.

I began to question my demonstration of mercy when a second fly coasted by. However, I knew I had a problem when I lifted the lid on the trash bin and a black cloud rose from its depths! I froze in shock as the entire Von Trap Family of fruit flies scattered into my kitchen! The army of pests descended on my apartment like an Egyptian plague as I dove for cover.

I suddenly had a sickening realization: campus housing was going to inspect my apartment any day. There was no doubt in my mind that “infestation of flies” would not look good on the inspector’s check list, for which there were steep fines for any violation. I had no choice but to go to war!

Armed with a bottle of Windex, I crawled towards the kitchen. The flies swarmed...

Don’t Look Down

I have always loved climbing. When I was a kid, I used to scamper up trees, I never lost a game of “Grounders” on the playground, and I even slept on the top bunk. Needless to say, when I recently had the opportunity to go rock-climbing, my answer was an enthusiastic “YES!”

Sure, I was a little less flexible than I was in my youth, my love for Arby’s hasn’t been good to me, and my new exercise regime remains on my “New Year’s Resolution 2010” list, but how hard could it be?

Our crew trekked through the beautiful wilderness of North Carolina until we arrived at our destination—a sheer cliff dropping several feet down. “Ok,” I thought, “So we’re skipping ‘Beginner’ and going straight to ‘Intermediate.’ I can handle this…”

My turn arrived, and I began my ascent up the rock. I could feel the strength seep from my limbs as I moved up the mountain one painful inch at a time, until I reached The Spot. The Spot was a section of the rock that nobody had successfully passed, and I...

My Dignity For An Autograph, Sir?

I spent my first year in college working at a local restaurant. I liked it, but it was not the place you would expect celebrities to frequent. So, when the coach of the local NHL hockey team walked in one day, everyone was a little surprised. And I was the worst. “Look! It’s Darryl Sutter!” I squealed, giddily running back and forth behind the counter, desperate to serve him. When an order for chili appeared on the screen, I exploded into a flurry of activity, packing up his meal in record time. His order sat, perfectly arranged in a take-out bag, awaiting his arrival. Reaching the counter, he opened his mouth to speak. Oh sweet mercy, I thought, he is going to say something to me!

“I’m sorry; I actually ordered that to stay.” I snatched the bag off the counter, stuttering my apologies and spilling chili everywhere in my attempt to correct the mistake. He suppressed a smile and thanked me, finding a table in the far corner to eat. When he finished his meal, he got up to...

“A Tale Of Two Seas”

My family recently returned from a trip to Israel. Of the many biblical places we were able to visit, one contrast has stuck uniquely in my mind. It is a tale of two seas.

One of the most famous bodies of water in the Bible is the Sea of Galilee. It is here where Jesus called his first disciples and even walked on the surface of the water. Teeming with life, it remains a hot spot for fishermen. In a land where vegetation is not plentiful, plants and trees surround its beautiful shores. The Sea of Galilee is the main source of water for the entire nation of Israel and just as water flows plentifully into the sea, so also many rivers flow from it. Seven nations were represented in our tour group, and we were able to sail across to the other side on a large boat and sing hymns together. Galilee was the place where Jesus charged his followers with the Great Commission, and in a powerful picture of God’s faithfulness, the nations had truly returned that day.

The Dead Sea stands...

“Does This Shirt Make Me Look Fat?”

When you are a fan of rock music, you wear T-shirts of your favorite bands. I don’t know who decided this, but for years rockers have proudly sported threads of their musical heroes. In a way, our musical tastes represent a lot about who we are, and I remember the day I joined the trend. I had never bought a band shirt over the Internet before and didn’t understand why they needed so much information from me. (“If you were trapped on a desert island with the choice of only one breakfast cereal…”) But I patiently filled in all the necessary blanks and placed my order. Then the waiting began.

In my excitement, I checked the mail box every single day! When the days stretched into weeks, I was ready to burst with anticipation. Just when I was beginning to worry that the post office had switched to wagon trains to save on gas money, it finally arrived. I called a family meeting for the inaugural opening of the package, and excitedly ripped into it to reveal…a shirt sized XXXX...

“Locks & Flocks”

The professor announced a ten-minute break at the half-way point of class, and I eagerly slipped off to the bathroom. However, as I climbed the stairs, I saw a friend and started chatting and time swiftly passed unnoticed by me. I was not aware of my classmates making their way back to the room, and by the time I realized break was over, I was alone. I raced back to the classroom, realizing it had been in session for several minutes already. Thanking God I had sat in the back, I reached for the door…it was locked. I tried it again, but it wouldn’t budge. Beginning to panic, I tried to think of a plan, but my options were limited. I could either wait out the next hour and a half, or I could try and get the attention of a classmate.

The two doors to the classroom were located at the back, with a large window between them. I knew I couldn’t walk past the window to the other door, since I would walk clearly into my professor’s line of sight. I sighed and leaned out from the...

Dead Zone

I am a very impatient person. Most of my frustrations in life stem from this quality, and one of those is inconvenience. I often thrive in the fast-paced expediency of modern culture, but I recently moved to an apartment complex with terrible cell phone reception. I had often heard of so-called “Dead Zones,” but had never really experienced one. They are as unpredictable as they are lethal, and can drive people to madness. One day I found my roommate sitting in the corner, neck stretched into an unnatural position and his cell phone raised to the sky. “I think I…nope, lost it again,” he grumbled. Glancing out the window, I saw my neighbors trying to obtain the elusive signal. Students wandered the parking lot yelling into their phones; men and women stood on their cars screaming “Why me?” to the heavens; and I saw one individual trudging off into the wilderness. (I don’t recall ever seeing him again.)

I fared no better than my disgruntled companions. No matter where I...

Teetering On The Edge

I never thought my love for hockey would put me in mortal danger. I recognized the potential harm that comes whenever body checking, blades, sticks, and adrenaline are combined. However, I never counted on one particular hazard. It was the perfect winter oasis. Nestled on the side of a giant hill sat a pond that would bring hours of joy to an otherwise dreary winter. As the temperature dropped the water hardened, forming the perfect spot for private hockey games. The hidden location was both a blessing and a curse. We had to navigate down a narrow path to reach the bottom of the hill, and one side dropped into an abrupt cliff that required the utmost caution.

On one particular day, the drive down proved uneventful, but a problem occurred while climbing back up. I sat in the front seat as my father drove up the steep embankment. All of the sudden the tires hit a patch of ice and began to slip, sliding us right to edge of the cliff. Unable to reverse for fear of falling and unable to get traction to move...

Replacements

I like to think of myself as a domestically competent person. I have lived on my own long enough to keep myself from starving. I assumed that a dishwasher would be a fairly straightforward test. I was wrong.

My apartment did not have a dishwasher, which forced me to wash my dishes by hand. This was not a task I enjoyed, so the aftermath of my meals tended to settle in my sink for extended periods of time. To avoid this unpleasant task, I would often visit my parents and use their dishwasher. The freedom to simply place a dirty plate in a machine and push a button to clean it was almost too good to be true! However, I soon faced an unforeseen problem; I ran out of detergent.

I began to search frantically for an alternative. Several different cleaners of various sorts crowded the cupboard beneath the sink, yet none of them were adequate. Finally, I came across a bottle of dish soap and breathed a sigh of relief. The soap was in liquid form, while the previous detergent had been a powder, but surely that...